Most of the time I have major difficulty reading. Not because its hard and not because what I'm reading is boring. I always try to pick books that I really want to read, especially books by Margaret Atwood. Mid paragraph my mind takes me to random places.

  I wander to this morning, remembering the funny manner of the barista at Starbucks and how I left my headphones at my apartment. Then I realize my eyes have continued reading without me and I have to go back a few sentences.

   I start again.

   "I could picture the smooth oval of Laura's face, her neatly pinned chignon, the dress she would have been wearing: a shirtwaist with a small rounded collar, in a sober colour - navy blue or steel grey or hospital-corridor green."..........I have to remember to call my mom back later...I hope she's doing okay...I miss the other cats at our house...Crap I forgot to take Winnie out....Oh yeah, Brennan did...Wait. I'm reading my book right now.

   Go back.

   "I could picture the smooth oval of Laura's face, her neatly pinned chignon, the dress she would have been wearing: a shirtwaist with a small rounded collar, in a sober colour - navy blue or steel grey or hospital-corridor green. Penitential colours - less like something she'd chosen to put on than like something she'd been locked up in. Her---"

   ...the people over there are way too loud...stop listening to them...my hands feel dry....forgot lotion...i can use chap-stick on my cuticles, though...I have a hang nail...don't chew on it...don't chew on it...chew on it....I shouldn't have chewed on it... And they just keep coming.

   I unconsciously stop and let the thoughts flood my attention. The hangnail reminds me of my mother humorously stopping me from chewing on my nails at Easter dinner. The nail was half-way off and I had to finish it. We joke about nail biting all of the time so I humorously start again and she stops me once more, when my grandmother asks me, "Why are you chewing on your nails?"

   There really is no answer and I'm caught off guard, but it doesn't matter because my father has been talking to my sister and everyone else goes on with the conversation. It's just a habit that started recently, but once I start I can't stop or else the uneven ridges bother me and I can't concentrate on anything else fully, like when my pants are too tight or I feel like I can't get comfortable.

   I feel so immature even though it has nothing to do with maturity.
   Stop. Alright, focus...

   "Her solemn half-smile; the amazed lift of her eyebrows, as if she were admiring the view. The white gloves: a Pontius Pilate gesture. She was washing her hands of me. Of all of us."

   I finally absorb the paragraph but I want a better reading experience and I'm disappointed with how long that took. I contemplate starting the chapter over since I'm not that far in, but I don't because I know I'll just wander off again, especially since I've already read that part.

   So, I haven't been blogging for a while due to being busy with studying for finals, the holidays and all, but I'm back! I'm beginning a new semester in preparation for Nursing school and I feel like this is the first semester I'm actually going to be able to manage my symptoms and take charge of my grades towards the beginning and middle of the semester. 
   I've started semesters with similar feelings before, but not with the tools I've recently acquired to manage my symptoms and actually be able to learn. (What a concept!)

  Along with gaining back control of my grades I'm also recovering my self-esteem. (Slowly but surely.) Failing over and over again takes its toll after a while, especially when you feel as if you, and/or you actually are disappointing someone. But like that quote that talks about running a race (or something...can't remember): It's not how you do during the race that matters, but how you finish it.
  I've decided the direction I'm going to take this blog in a more personal direction. I'm still going to be posting resources and articles I've found, but I want to document my experiences in a brutally honest way for a few different reasons. First of all, not a lot of people really know what its like to have to deal with this on a daily basis. Secondly, ADD'ers all have varying symptoms and most have humerous quirks that we all like to joke about, but for those with serious and/or worsening symptoms, it's no joke. 
   I've found that explaining your symptoms to those in your life that may have never noticed nor known about your symptoms before, often don't take you seriously or don't understand the gravity/extent to which ADHD affects you life. This can be especially true if you weren't diagnosed when you were younger like me. It's also hard to talk about at first because you're admitting that you have a problem to people that have never known you to have this problem, and it can be hard to decide who to tell and who not to tell (a whole other issue in itself!).
   I want to talk about Adult ADHD in order to inform and/or help someone out there, but I also know that blogging about my experiences will help to remind me: 1) What I should be doing 2) Why I need to be doing it 3) That blogging about my experiences feels a lot better and helps me more than being hard on myself, just like many ADD'ers can be. 4) That everyone is a work in progress and I'm not alone.
   Everyone may come to this realization (or at least maybe they should) eventually, but I've come to realize that I'm not going to be the person I thought I'd be before, so I might as well start living for who I am now, than waiting for my life to change, trying to change things that can't be undone, or wishing some things had never happened Some people might find that depressing, but after you deal with that part of it(maybe grieving for your loss of family, friends, opportunities, or yourself), it's incredibly uplifting to know you can be something else. You don't have to be who you or other people thought you would be. 

   Warning: Results may vary......lololol.
So anyway......

   Blogging on a regular basis will keep me thinking about how I can improve on a regular basis. A way to keep me on track, should I fall of the wagon.

   So, towards the end of last semester, when I was killing myself trying to save my grades. I started using mindmaps to understand and organize certain Anatomy & Physiology topics. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to do a lot of them, so I did a couple of nice ones for bones and the nervous system.
   This semester, I'm started incorporating them into my note taking during lectures and at home. There are many different types and styles you can use to customize your notes for the way that YOUR mind works.
   I'm a very visual learner and I love to doodle, so my notes include lots of illustrations and colors to help me visualize the concepts. 
   A testament to the fact that I'm a visual and tactile learner is the fact that I aced all of my lab practicals in Anatomy, but struggled in the lecture exams. (Of course, I know now what I should have done then, but regardless, it takes me much longer to study information than most others.)